Through the pain. Not in spite of it.
Joy and Pain are Deeply Connected. We live in a society where we avoid pain in many ways. Some are helpful. People who live in constant physical pain can now receive support such as medications and therapies. I, too, have experienced physical pain over the past few years, and am thankful for the new knowledge that comes along with supporting, decreasing and stopping physical pain.
That being said, we are also a society of chasing the next best thing, numbing out by binge watching shows, TikTok videos, among other ways of mind (and body) numbing. This is an avoidance of pain (usually the emotional kind). Now, I’m not saying that things in moderation are terrible. What I’m saying is that when these are the things that we seek on constant repeat, we are seeking out the sensation of numbness. This may be for a multitude of reasons. As a society we largely remain overwhelmed by the expectations and all the “should” and “to-do” that we often find little time to rest. We glorify the busy and we press on. Then we wonder in the busy (overwhelm) or in the attempts to appease the feeling through mind numbing – what ever happened to joy?
Oftentimes I hear people say “I just want to be happy.”
How true is that?
Happiness feels good. It sparks joy and connection. There are lots of natural perks to happiness too that chemically happen in our bodies. Why not chase happiness?
That becomes the loop in which we often get stuck. Chasing happiness, avoiding, numbing out, or ignoring what is painful. We do it so often as a society, we hardly recognize when we’re doing it most of the time. You might be familiar with catch phrases such as “oh well, it’s not that bad,” or “they just need to let it go,” among many others. What do these phrases have in common? They’re intended to be supportive at times, helpful, and yet they lack the deeper understanding of where emotions are housed, and how to release them when they are causing pain. These types of phrases can leave us alone with our pain, without any guidance or acknowledgement of the real pain that we feel. Even though these responses may come from a good place, so often they exacerbate our pain as we end up feeling alone in it.
Here is the truth about pain. When you feel it, the comparative doesn't matter.
If it hurts enough to register that you’re in pain, the thought is: “I’d like this to stop.” That is a natural body reaction. The other truth, which is perhaps the best kept secret of life, is that feeling the pain, understanding where it’s coming from, finding the pain point and releasing it through an emotional processing, is where we can make it transform.
In some ways it is very counter intuitive. Why would I want to feel the pain? If I touched a hot burner by accident, I don’t want to feel the burn, I want to very quickly feel the cold. I want relief. When emotional pain comes along, we house it in our body when it’s unprocessed and it sticks around. It even manifests into physical problems if housed long enough. There are some forms of physical pain that require feeling it to get answers and solutions, but our natural reaction is to not do this. We are wired to respond to pain by making it stop as quickly as possible. It is biological in nature as a survival technique. In fact, our pain receptors are everywhere in our body so that we don’t lose limbs or further injure ourselves.
Emotional pain in some ways can add a different layer of complexity. In the complexity, we look for the simplicity of making it disappear. There perhaps is some simplicity in making it disappear, but it requires sitting with it.
There is one more thing about emotional pain that isn’t widely shared. When the pain transforms, it does not mean it’s gone, it means it’s no longer harming us in the ways it was. We do not have to avoid pain to find joy, and in fact, I would argue that if we don’t look pain in the eye, sit with it, and figure it out, joy remains elusive.
Tangible ways to find joy
We do this kind of work here at Riptide Counselling Inc. We look at the pain from different angles. Sometimes we side eye it (EMDR), other times we walk around in it (EFT) and sometimes we play with it (Play Therapy). Whatever the modality, the end goal for each person that walks through our door is to find their own joy as they walk out. We will never erase all the problems and stressors from someone’s life, but that way in which they understand it can be different, and that can make all the difference. It can allow joy to enter in ways that it hadn’t before.
Emotional pain and physical pain have one big thing in common – there is always a pain point. When you can find it, you can release it, or mitigate it much easier than playing a guessing game.
So, the question I leave you with is this: what is stealing joy from your life? What piece needs a bit of processing?
And before you say nothing… disappointments happen, loss happens, grief happens, anger happens, frustration happens, loneliness happens. It’s okay to experience it, it’s okay to look at it, and it’s so much better to move through it. Otherwise, the pain lives in you, and eventually that pain can impact not only yourself, but others too.
Now you may be wondering, is therapy always the answer? No. There are lots of different levels of support for emotional pain. Sometimes by just talking about it with a trusted friend we can move through it, but other times we’ve housed it deeper. Usually when we house it deeper, it’s attached to other experiences.
There are mindfulness practices which look different depending on who is practicing them – walking through a forest, prayer, meditation, yoga, mindful eating, etc. Different practices resonate with different people. The first part of finding what works is accepting that if emotional pain is staying with us and interfering with our ability to find joy, it is worth taking some time to address. Part of stepping outside of the happiness/numbing loop is to acknowledge that making space for deep joy also means making space to feel and process pain.
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